WIP Blog

One more useless skill to try and practice-- this time trying to do those dove/owl calls people can do with their hands. I'm struggling. It took me a few years of actively trying every now and again to learn how to snap my fingers (And I still cannot snap with my left hand) because a lot of my joints are double jointed but not double jointed when I want them to be (My fingers especially will bend back too far, look unattural, or lock up when playing octaves on piano)- My hands are also tiny, which can make some tasks easier but some much harder. I think this is gonna be one of those useless skills that may take me ages to learn ;-; I've been trying for like an hour now and not a peep. I really want to be able to call for barn owls or other birds when I'm around them but for the life of me-- can your hands be too small to do bird calls??? I've tried tightening, loosening my grip, position my thumbs differently,.. *nothing*

My senior year is coming up rather quickly, and alongside it the prospect of leaving home. Suffice it to say, I’m scared shitless and feel vastly unprepared in an ever-changing world.
I feel like I had more of a grasp on what I was going to do, and who I was going to be a few years ago, which also sort of scares me? I thought I was a stagnant being for much of my life, unchanging even up against new settings, because I was simply what was needed for the people around me most of the time, and not for myself. Not the healthiest way to think of oneself, but much easier to contend with vs knowing I can become anything at anytime and I am fully in control of everything that I am and do. I feel like I’m finally up against my own autonomy in a sense. I’ve always been what people want me to be, and now I’m realizing I can be what *I* want to be- but what do I want to be anyways??! When will I know where I’m meant to be??? I would always grasp at these things that other people gave me, external indicators of intrinsic things within myself that I’d be like ‘yep, that’s me!’ Just because other people said so. I don’t understand. It feels like I’m becoming sentient for the first time..? That sense of being- of aliveness- but it’s so much harder to be in this state.

It kind of reminds me of this alien species that I’m a little bit obsessed with from one of my favorite book trilogies (The Wayfarers by Becky Chambers). I absolutely SPED through the first book (though it’s not perfect- It’s veryyy character based for science fiction, so if you’re here for a vast world and lots and lots of plot, maybe not for you), and in it one of my favorite characters belongs to one of my favorite alien species I can think of in all of the science fiction I’ve read (Maybe not up there with some of the aliens in Speaker for the Dead but who can really compete with that world building LOLL). Anyways, this character- Sissix- is an aandrisk, and in the aandrisk species culturally hatchlings aren’t really considered people until they’re adults. I don’t think this is a good analogy to apply to people as a whole. Obviously, kids and teens are deserving of respect and acknowledgement. But for me personally I feel this maps on so well to my own feelings around me coming of age…? I haven’t felt like a person before. And now I kind of feel like one. And it’s intense and new and incredibly beyond what I could’ve imagined but also so penetratingly palpably dread inducing.

Like kinda what Rapunzel goes through in Tangled (2010)..? I always felt like there had to be a place for me out there but I don’t know where it is, and soon, in a year or so I’m going to be discovering that. The idea of throwing myself out into the world and scrambling with everything that comes with that. I’m so excited- so scared. I kind of know where I’m headed but I don’t know if I’ll be safe there- And that’s terrifying but so new and so different. I’m going to meet new people- ones with vastly different world views than I could ever imagine possible- I’m going to do crazy things, that I don’t even know yet- I’m going to be completely separated miles upon miles upon *miles* away from all of my immediate family, the only constant in my life!! Just me!! Out in the world!! Figuring shit out and making messes and maybe fixing things to, with very little help from anyone. I’m going to be sitting and relistening to some tracks that I did when I was younger. Thanks for reading

He exists!!

Listening to The First Glass Beach album has really made me want to make a calico cat sona. I've had so many sonas- I think I started making them probably when I was 13? My first one was a porcupine, she was fun, but I mostly used her for venting frustrations with little scribbly notes on the backs of homework. Before her I just had more so self-insert ocs to different fandoms- mostly warrior cats, I was quite obsessed as a tween. Sometimes I do bring her back though- Even though she doesn't really incapsulate 'me' anymore she still feels like a part of me. I believe my second full on sona was Bellamie- and hey, I'm still using him, he just sorta started out as a design I was very proud of and I started to adopt him to online spaces (like this blog!! Though it was made much later). I also had a cricket who I use still sometimes in my sketchbook but honestly I don't like him all that much.) I've thought of making sonas based on childhood favorite animals- but I scrapped the idea. Also nearly made a character sheet for a hyena sona since I've been compared to one based on my laugh, but people have compared my laugh to lots of things at this point (Guinea pig, tea kettles etc :')) ). I wanted a dog one before just cuz my personality is fairly outgoing, but also scrapped that.

So lots of sonas- but idk I just really like The Last Glass Beach album and lowkey would love turning calico into slang- and make a little sona. Plus, calicos are just reallyyy cute. Which reminds me, I found these paw socks?? And they're the cutest things ever, but they require knitting knowledge and I do not have the drive to make them-- I love cute socks smmmm genuinely- Maybe I'll do a full on animal costume for halloween next year, like those cute bunny suits some people do. Probably not though

I've always wondered about the chemistry of baking. I find cooking fun and enjoyable, but baking makes my anxiety spike- so recently I've been reading up on the chemistry of how exactly cake rises- and thus my quest to make the perfect cupcake. My goal here is to make a recipe completely from scratch with my own flavors, and ideas. I want to do a few iterations/testing trial and errors and then taste my horrendous creations on my family to see if its disgusting or scrumptious. If I get to a point where I am happy with my own recipe I call it a day!! Now.. I don't want this to be any ordinary cupcake. This is not your everyday chocolate vanilla afair- no, no... I want someone to try this cupcake and be unable to ever go back to tasting an everyday cupcake without wistfully dreaming of mine- the *perfect* cupcake.
Sooo anyways yeah I'm gonna be brainstorming that and going shopping to get ingredients n stuff. Wish me luck!! The paper cranes are taking longer than expected :')) also my cat got into a fistfight cuz ofc he did so we're taking him to the vet today

YY/MM/DD First off, this is my first ever blog post!! Yay!! The format really isn't finished, I want to add doodles to either side and some interactive elements but this is a good base honestly. It's currently only a few days into summer break and I am already losing my marbles :')) (Not really, but I am b-o-r-e-d. I'm the kinda person who needs a constant 'something' in my life all of the time or I just..) BUT I have actually planned out some fun summer activities!! I am going to fold a thousand paper cranes! I'm currently only at 8/1,000 cranes uhhh... so definitely at the beginning of this project.

I don't even know if I have a thousand pieces of origami paper?? I guess we'll see :33. I have 15cm x 15 cm and these itty bitty sheets that I don't even know the ratio of. They're like half of my finger by another half for reference! The small itty bitty cranes end up being around the size of the tip of my index- really itty bitty. I do have larger origami paper as this is one of my consistent hobbies- but I reserve it for projects that aren't as simple as like.. a crane. Rn I actually have a half-folded ankylosaurus which has been sitting there for months. I've gotten through all of his ankylo-spines but the poor fella is legless :(( Maybe I should just give him up, I really don't think I'm gonna complete him. A lot of my more intricate stuff I gave away to people- I did toothless (I think the tutorial is on youtube? Mind you, as much as origami videos are helpful I really wish more origamists translated their patterns to diagrams. I know it's really time consuming but bad lighting can kinda screw you over if you're watching a video tutorial :').)

Excuse the ramble. So that's one thing I'm doing over the summer- another is voice coaching, which is less voice coaching because I don't actually have a coach and more of working on my pronunciation (as someone who tends to stumble over his words). Also stargazing with friends, there should be a meteor shower visible here soon which I'm looking forward to!! I'm doing some art studies- and I've compiled a bunch of sewing patterns n ideas so maybe I'll sew stuff later- I have an unfinished embroidery thingy. I need to repair my favorite teal wooly vest that's been falling apart. What else?? Senior year fast approaches (-‿-") help me dear lord, I am not ready for this. I got an ok SAT score but I want to take it again- OH YEAH, I'm taking some math over the summer to. And to keep my sanity maybe reading some books. A friend of mine lives like a block down from where we're staying currently so I might just drop by and hang out with her unprompted. !!! I'm reallyyyy excited for whatever next year's drama class will be like. Knowing myself I'll probably only get like 1/4th of this stuff done HAHAHHH- hope whoever you are reading this you have a lovely summer